10 Best Christmas Gifts for The Average Miamian

Top 10 Christmas Gift for An Average Miamian:

1.Caja China: You have always wanted one of your own, but you would never shell out the dough to get it.

2. Dwyane Wade Jersey: Because you can never have enough Heat jerseys and there isn’t a player on another Miami sports team that warrants a jersey.

**Extra bonus points for getting the vintage Wade jersey

3. Tickets to Drake’s New Years Eve party at E11even: Yeah, I know Pitbull is performing at Bayfront Park on New Years as well, but that sounds horrible. Sorry, Mr.305.

4. DJ Khaled Clothing: He is what’s hot in the streets right now. See previous post for ranking of the best Khaled gifts. DJ Khaled, so hot right now..DJ Khaled.

5. Three by Dwyane Wade: I hate that I put this on the list. It is what it is, an overpriced bottle of wine with a cool logo. But hey, we are suckers for packaging and marketing so you want it…so get it.

6. A Boat: Everyone knows if you have a boat, any boat, in Miami you get bumped up at least 1.5 points on the 1-10 scale.

7. Pollo Tropical Gift Card: This is one of those gifts that you wish everyone would give you because you could really use, but nobody ever gives. This needs to change! #GivePolloGiftCards, spread the movement!

8. Netflix: Why go out on the weekends to overpriced, overcrowded bars when you could just Netflix and Chill?

9. Bottle of Alcohol: Nobody has ever been disappointed to get a bottle of liquor as a gift, especially Miamians.

10. Sky Dive Miami: Everyone forgets gifts 10 minutes after you unwrap them, but nobody will forget getting to go sky diving. Give this unexpected gift to a Miamian and not only will they probably love it, or possibly hate it, but you will get a shout-out when they post a pic of themselves sky diving on their Instagram/Facebook pages.

 

Tweet me your gift ideas at @Average_Miamian.

 

Jim Larranaga Overtakes Pat Riley As Best Old Man Dancer

Last night the Miami Hurricanes men’s basketball team beat LaSalle (not high-school) by a billion points. This team is absolutely murdering it. Not only are they 1 shot away from being 11-0, but the way they play is extremely fun and entertaining unlike every other Miami sports team.

Jim Larranaga can’t stop, won’t stop dancing.

Maybe he could give some lessons to Pat Riley?

 

 

Woman Arrested For Beating Up Husband After He Continues Farting in Bed

(TCPalm.com) A 55-year-old woman was arrested after investigators say she got in a physical confrontation with her husband for passing gas. Dawn Meikle’s husband told Port St. Lucie police his wife started elbowing him when he passed gas in bed.

“(Meikle’s husband) stated he continued to pass gas, at which time Dawn began kicking him and eventually kicked him out of their bed,” an affidavit states.

The husband said he got back in bed and again fluttered the sheets. That, he said, is when his wife began another round of elbowing and kicking.

He said he restrained his wife “for his own safety.” He said that during this his wife’s lip got split open, and he got several scratches on his chest.

Meanwhile, Meikle told police she asked her husband repeatedly to stop cutting the cheese in bed.

“Dawn stated when (her husband) did not stop passing gas she began elbowing and kicking him,” the affidavit states.

Meikle was arrested on a misdemeanor battery charge.

Battery charge, really?! Ever heard of self-defense?! Dawn was getting hit with what amounts to practically tear gas. How do I know these farts were deadly? Because look at the picture below and tell me Dawn’s husband’s farts aren’t lethal bombs…

Yeah, exactly….Although there is no picture yet of Dawn’s husband, I am sure these farts were definitely not the result of organic kale quinoa bowls, but most likely a residual leakage of a not needed 4th meal from Taco Bell.

So in my mind she has every right to kick and elbow her husband after getting hit with repeated toxic fumes. One time is funny. Two times is annoying. Three times and he deserves to get hit with a couple ‘bows. And if he dutch ovened her more than once, he deserves a felony for attempted murder.

Ranking Miami’s Top 25 Sports Figures

Greg Cote of the Miami Herald ranked his Top 25 sports figures in Miami. Below is his list:

**Note: He doesn’t include “special adviser” positions such as Marino with the Dolphins or Mourning with the Heat. He also doesn’t include broadcasters….C,mon Greg, you are better than that.

Greg Cote’s Top 25 Miami Sports Figures

1. Dwyane Wade, Heat guard

2. Giancarlo Stanton, Marlins outfielder

3. Pat Riley, Heat president

4. Jaromir Jagr, Panthers forward

5. Chris Bosh, Heat forward

6. Jose Fernandez, Marlins pitcher

7. Ichiro, Marlins outfielder

8. Ndamukong Suh, Dolphins defensive tackle

9. Ryan Tannehill, Dolphins quarterback

10.. Mark Richt, UM football coach

11. Jeffrey Loria, Marlins owner

12. Cam Wake, Dolphins defensive end

13. Stephen Ross, Dolphins owner

14. Roberto Luongo, Panthers goaltender

15. Erik Spoelstra, Heat head coach

16. Don Mattingly, Marlins manager

17. Goran Dragic, Heat guard

18. Micky Arison, Heat owner

19. Jim Larranaga, UM men’s basketball coach

20. Hassan Whiteside, Heat center

21. Dee Gordon, Marlins second baseman

22. Jarvis Landry, Dolphins receiver/returner

23. Mike Pouncey, Dolphins center

24. Katie Meier, UM women’s basketball coach

25. Barry Bonds, Marlins hitting coach

 

I am an inclusive person so with my list and I will include what the people want.

My Top 25 Figures in Miami Sports for 2016

1. Dwyane Wade, it’s not called Wade-County for nothing.
2. Pat Riley, the Godfather who runs this city at the ripe age of 70.
3. Chris Bosh, the best player on the Heat (yeah, its true)
4. Ndamukong Suh, another mediocre year like this past one and he will slip down the list big time.
5. Mark Richt, the latest coach to try and rebuild the U has a daunting task ahead.
6. Alonzo Mourning,  the ultimate #HeatLifer who is a first ballot inductee into the fictional Miami Hall of Fame.
7. Dan Marino, still reigns as the king of the Dolphins and could probably still sling the pigskin around better than #16 on the list.
8. Tony Fiorentino, the best commentator in sports, hands down. His tag team with #17 on the list is electric.
9. Jarvis Landry, the most exciting player on the least exciting team.
10. Jim Larranaga, this guy has done something nobody ever thought was possible — he made the UM Basketball program a serious contender.
11. Hassan Whiteside, the recent talk of the town is all about this guy. Will he stay? Will he go? Will they trade him? I have no clue, but its okay because I trust #2 will lead us to the promised land either way.
12. Giancarlo Stanton, can take any pitch to bomba city and for that he is the top Marlin on my list.
13. Erik Spoelstra, big love-hate relationship between him and the citizens of Miami. He’s a good coach so stop throwing shade his way.
14. Jose Fernandez, he’s Cuban and the best pitcher this organization has seen sine the D-Train. Gotta love him.
15. Udonis Haslem, doesn’t matter if he never plays anymore. If he isn’t on your Top 25 list, you aren’t a real 305ian.
16. Ryan Tannehil, Be careful, Ryan. You were supposed to be the golden boy and people are starting to lose faith in you.
17. Eric Reid, the Heat’s broadcaster will always be a part of the list for his signature call, KABOOM!
18. Gonzalo “Papi” Le Batard, out ranks his sports writer son as the best sports broadcasting personality because of his commitment to Miami and his epic rap skills.
19. Micky Arison, the best sports franchise owner in South Florida by the length of one of his cruise ships
20. Drew Rosenhaus, has lost a little luster over the years as the best/__ sports agent in the NFL but still an icon in the industry.
21. Justise Winslow, the Heat star rookie will hopefully continue to rise the rankings if he keeps working on improving his shot.
22. Stephen Ross, it’s great having an owner who isn’t afraid to spend, but this doesn’t work in a salary cap league (see Prokhorov and the Nets).
23. Dan Le Batard, a great sports writer who has now brought his love for the city of Miami to the worldwide leader. Need more rants.
24. Goran Dragic, has fallen on the list a bit with his slow start to the season.
25. Cameron Wake, once upon a time a Top 15 figure who will probably be long gone very soon.

Tweet me your thoughts on my list @Average_Miamian.

Miami City Inspector Bribed With Cash in Boxes of Pastelitos

Miami Herald: Prosecutors on Friday charged a Miami building administrator they say shook down construction companies to steer business to a lunch-truck company — whose owner was secretly slipping him cash sometimes stuffed in containers along with Cuban pastries.

Investigators say Jose Fabregas secretly received tens of thousands of dollars in cash from a company called De Leon Catering. In exchange, Fabregas wielded his influence with managers at Miami high-rise condo construction sites, promising help with permits if they allowed the lucrative spot serving food to construction workers, according to prosecutors.

 

The investigation also revealed that Fabregas called the payoffs “pastelitos” — He would often get cash hidden in a Styrofoam container filled with the Cuban pastries.

Guava, queso or dinero? As if pastelitos couldn’t be any better, we got Jose Fabregas getting wads of hundos inside his to-go container of the delicious pastries.

The real victim in this story is the hard-working construction workers who have been subject to mediocre food and a lack of good food options. For who knows how long, their only option for lunch has been the De Leon Catering truck. I have never had the pleasure of dining at their mobile establishment, but I can imagine the food must be subpar at best if their owner had to pull some schemes to get rid of any competition.

                                                                                                                                This is also terrible management by the construction companies that allowed this to happen. Just imagine how much faster the construction workers would work if they stuffed their face each day with the El Rey De Las Fritas food truck aka the Goat of Miami food trucks: Orignial Frita Cubana or go home.

                                                                                                                                       Box of Cash & Pastelitos would make me ٩(^‿^)۶

Food Truck GOAT

….well maybe they wouldn’t work faster, but definitely happier.

Florida Rated Best Place to Live

Sun-Sentinel: Florida is back on top as the most desirable state to live in according to the latest Harris Poll.

 

The Harris Poll surveyed 2,232 adults online between Nov. 11 and 16. Those surveyed were asked to choose both states and cities where they don’t live now.

For the U.S. adults polled, it’s all about the beach and living on the water. California placed second and Hawaii third, followed by Colorado and New York. The five states where people would least like to live, in order, are California, New York, Alaska, Mississippi and Texas.

 

We are #1! Everyone wants to live at some point in their life in the Sunshine State. When you are in your 20’s you want to move to Miami, make dumb mistakes and hopefully make it out with a clean record and no child support. You live in Florida in your 30’s because you are sick of the weather up north and want to live in a place where you can continue to grow your career but also want to live somewhere where you can no longer be a property virgin.  Living in Florida in your 40-50’s gives you the opportunity to have a home with a backyard to play with your kids while also getting a rush from praying they don’t get stabbed at the local public schools. And finally we when you hit your 60+ the only options are Florida, Arizona or death by winter.

What is most shocking about this report is the states where people would least like to live. How would any sane person rather live in states like South Dakota, Iowa or Idaho over California, New York, or Texas. Looney tunes.

Blue = State not acceptable to live in.

P.S: Still on the fence about Louisiana

Study: Miami is toughest city to rent in U.S

Miami Herald: Two in three Miami renters pay 30 percent or more of their salaries to their landlords, making them “cost burdened,” according to a new study from real estate website Apartment List. One in three Miami renters pay more than half their income in rent.

Other cities that performed poorly were Detroit (where 65 percent of renters are cost burdened), Kansas City (63 percent), Fort Lauderdale (62 percent) and Los Angeles (62 percent). Experts generally recommend spending no more than a third of your salary on housing.  

 

People in Miami spend too much on material things and don’t save their money…Shocking! Miamians will always spend above their means on cars, boats and houses because that’s what we do, we accessorize and what better accessory then an overpriced Brickell condo with a one-word name (Vue, Epic, Icon).

Also, how about Detroit coming in hot with 65% of renters being considered cost burdened. Rent can’t be much in Detroit, right? But I guess when a city has average annual salary of $25k and a plethora of casinos at arms length, you tend to have a cost burdened population. Anyways, everyone knows people in Detroit care more about their whip than their homes…..I mean duh, it’s called Motor City for a reason.

Where Miamians decide to rent:

Where Miamians can afford to rent to not be cost-burdened:

Top 5 DJ Khaled Gifts for Christmas

Basically everything you do in life is optional: What university you choose to attend, what man or women you choose to marry, when/if you have kids….However, some things should be a requirement by law and that includes following DJ Khaled on SnapChat.

The man can’t stop and won’t stop dishing out full proof inspirational words to his followers. Just when you think it’s over, you get anotha one…And anotha one. His storytelling skills are on point. His delivery is accreate. If you fail to follow DJ Khaled, how do you know what the keys to success are? Trick question….you don’t.

With all of this said, you must follow him on SnapChat at djkhaled305. And if you live under a rock and don’t subscribe to the ghost, you can now follow his every move on twitter @KhaledSnapchat.

Without further adieu, below are the Top 5 gifts for that special someone in your life….

Top 5 Favorite DJ Khaled Gifts for Christmas:

#5. Simple, beautiful, majestic.

#4. Let everyone know you follow the key to success#3. The more casual version of #5.

#2. If you are always on that grind, you NEED this shirt.

#1. The 3 pillages of the Khaled school of theology: Smart, Loyal, Grateful

BONUS: Talk about a great stocking stuffer that ANYONE would love to have!

Tonight’s Dolphins Game is a Win-Win

The Miami Dolphins, the team in sports you hate to love. While this franchise has probably definitely crushed your heart year after year, tonight there is no chance of that happening. Why you ask? Because tonight is a win-win for you!

If the Dolphins win:

If the Dolphins somehow pull off the W, then you get a few more weeks of convince yourself that you are STILL in the playoff hunt. Tomorrow morning at work you will do all the calculus equations to figure out what the Fins need to make the playoffs. Will it matter? No, because we all know they wont make the playoffs. However, what does matter is you get a few more weeks to actually care about NFL football.

If the Dolphins lose:

If the Dolphins lose, you get the peace of mind to be able to finally move on from this team once and for all. You can stop reading any article about the Dolphins that doesn’t include the words, “Mock Draft” in the title. Breaking free from a toxic relationship is tough, but the Dolphins losing on national television will give you that final public fight you need to break away and move on a free man.

How Heat Should Honor Mario Chalmers’ Return

Mario Chalmers returns to the Triple A for the first time since he was traded to the Grizzlies not too long ago. Yeah, I know he has crushed it in his short time with Memphis, but that is not what I want to talk about because frankly, I don’t care (thx to Tyler Johnson). As the Heat organization always does with returning players, they will honor his time down here with a video tribute. These tributes are a win-win for all involved. The Heat organization gets another positive PR story, fans get a stroll down memory lane, and the player gets a nice ego boost from the applause/complimentary video.  However, today’s video for Rio should be a bit different..

Instead of the standard KABOOM-filled montage filled with Mario’s “big” shots, we should give the fans (and Rio) a video filled with what he was actually known for: getting yelled at by other players. Sorry Mario but nobody associates you with “Big Shot Mario” anymore. But hey, even Mario himself has admitted that he likes getting yelled at from his teammates. So Miami Heat, do the right thing and make your Chalmers montage a 60 second video of players yelling at the brash point guard.

Even Obama knows what Chalmers is about…